Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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