someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
