Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
