My hand turned me down
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
