watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
