is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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