Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
