You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
