When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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