I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
