You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
