There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
