I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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