No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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