I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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