you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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