I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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