I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
