Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
so much tequila, so little girl.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
