You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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