that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
