never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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