You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
