dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
