Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
