im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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