my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I smell stomach acid.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
