if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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