but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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