I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
