stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
