Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
