Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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