Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
