I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
