He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
