I puked a lego.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
