Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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