Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
