Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
