If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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