Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
