Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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