i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
