nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
