I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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