Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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