did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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