Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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