I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
