Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
