with your own penis?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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