Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
