Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
